horrible

Can you remember how terrible this test match was? Warne's 700th test wicket... England 1st innings		R	M	B	4s	6s	SR
	AJ Strauss	b Warne	50	206	132	1	0	37.87
	46.2 700 for Shane Warne! There it is, his 700th Test wicket and what a ball to reach the milestone! Outside Strauss's off stump, spinning massively back past Strauss's expansive cover drive 101/4
	AN Cook	c †Gilchrist b Lee	11	49	37	1	0	29.72
	10.5 GONE! Cook tried to leave it but was late, couldn't get the bat out of the way - the ball just feathering the bottom, or toe-end of his bat 23/1
	IR Bell	lbw b Clark	7	46	30	0	0	23.33
	20.5 that's about as out as you can get without hitting the stumps. Bell caught in the crease by one that zipped back and hit him on the knee roll, and Bell was off and the crowd were celebrating before Rudi Koertzen's finger had even started it's super slow-mo upwards motion 44/2
	PD Collingwood	c Ponting b Lee	28	115	82	4	0	34.14
	45.6 gone! Straighter this time from Lee, cutting away a touch from Collingwood who is unnerved by the extra bounce, spooning it to Ponting at second slip who took a fine, tumbling catch 101/3
	KP Pietersen	c Symonds b Warne	21	104	70	0	0	30.00
	70.2 Warne strikes, Pietersen, stranded with the rabbits, looks to loft the ball into the stands behind the bowler, and deep mid-off and mid-on converge just inside the ropes and it's Andrew Symonds who makes a difficult catch look ridiculously easy 146/9
	A Flintoff*	c Warne b Clark	13	36	31	1	0	41.93
	55.5 outside Flintoff's off stump, a touch more bounce but it's in the perfect channel. He prods at it with a stiff, concrete-like front leg and the ball flies to Warne who takes a simple catch 122/5
	CMW Read†	c Ponting b Warne	3	28	17	0	0	17.64
	62.6 on off stump, Read flays it straight to Ponting - who was in very close at short extra cover - who took an excellent catch. It was the big, juicy "come and get me" from Warne; outside off, tempting Read, and he couldn't refuse - but he was off balance, spooning the ball airborne 135/6
	SI Mahmood	c †Gilchrist b McGrath	0	11	9	0	0	0.00
	65.4 as was that one, but this time Mahmood aims some kind of airy drive with only partial footwork and a thick edge is well taken by Gilchrist moving swiftly to his right 136/7
	SJ Harmison	c Clarke b Warne	7	11	12	1	0	58.33
	68.2 and the folly of Pietersen leaving his partner exposed is underlined as Harmison heaves a ball full and wide down the throat of mid-on who doesn't have to move 145/8
	MS Panesar	c Symonds b Warne	4	27	19	0	0	21.05
	74.2 Panesar perishes trying to drive Warne down the ground, never getting hold of the ball and barely reaching Symonds at mid-on 159/10
	MJ Hoggard	not out	9	15	10	1	0	90.00
	Extras	(b 2, lb 1, nb 3)	6
	Total	(all out; 74.2 overs; 324 mins)	159	(2.13 runs per over)

	Bowling	O	M	R	W	Econ
	B Lee	13	4	36	2	2.76	(2nb)
	10.5 to Cook, GONE! Cook tried to leave it but was late, couldn't get the bat out of the way - the ball just feathering the bottom, or toe-end of his bat 23/1 45.6 to Collingwood, gone! Straighter this time from Lee, cutting away a touch from Collingwood who is unnerved by the extra bounce, spooning it to Ponting at second slip who took a fine, tumbling catch 101/3
	GD McGrath	20	8	37	1	1.85	(1nb)
	65.4 to Mahmood, as was that one, but this time Mahmood aims some kind of airy drive with only partial footwork and a thick edge is well taken by Gilchrist moving swiftly to his right 136/7
	SR Clark	17	6	27	2	1.58
	20.5 to Bell, that's about as out as you can get without hitting the stumps. Bell caught in the crease by one that zipped back and hit him on the knee roll, and Bell was off and the crowd were celebrating before Rudi Koertzen's finger had even started it's super slow-mo upwards motion 44/2 55.5 to Flintoff, outside Flintoff's off stump, a touch more bounce but it's in the perfect channel. He prods at it with a stiff, concrete-like front leg and the ball flies to Warne who takes a simple catch 122/5
	A Symonds	7	2	17	0	2.42
	SK Warne	17.2	4	39	5	2.25
	46.2 to Strauss, 700 for Shane Warne! There it is, his 700th Test wicket and what a ball to reach the milestone! Outside Strauss's off stump, spinning massively back past Strauss's expansive cover drive 101/4 62.6 to Read, on off stump, Read flays it straight to Ponting - who was in very close at short extra cover - who took an excellent catch. It was the big, juicy "come and get me" from Warne; outside off, tempting Read, and he couldn't refuse - but he was off balance, spooning the ball airborne 135/6 68.2 to Harmison, and the folly of Pietersen leaving his partner exposed is underlined as Harmison heaves a ball full and wide down the throat of mid-on who doesn't have to move 145/8 70.2 to Pietersen, Warne strikes, Pietersen, stranded with the rabbits, looks to loft the ball into the stands behind the bowler, and deep mid-off and mid-on converge just inside the ropes and it's Andrew Symonds who makes a difficult catch look ridiculously easy 146/9 74.2 to Panesar, Panesar perishes trying to drive Warne down the ground, never getting hold of the ball and barely reaching Symonds at mid-on 159/10

	Australia 1st innings		R	M	B	4s	6s	SR
	JL Langer	c †Read b Flintoff	27	45	29	3	0	93.10
	9.2 GONE. Langer has walked. Angling across Langer who drove, on the up, and got a thin outside edge to Read who took a good catch low to his left 44/1
	ML Hayden	c †Read b Mahmood	153	418	265	13	2	57.73
	90.4 oh well bowled, that's a snorter from Mahmood squaring Hayden up who tried to work it to leg, got a thick outside edge to Read. And he walked 363/6
	B Lee	c †Read b Flintoff	0	2	1	0	0	0.00
	9.3 GOT HIM! A lovely ball just moving away from Lee who fished at it, edging it through to Read 44/2
	RT Ponting*	c Cook b Flintoff	7	37	28	0	0	25.00
	17.3 GODDIM! Flintoff banging it in, short and wide and Ponting tries to pull it, gets a top edge to Alastair Cook at midwicket who steadies himself and swallows an easy catch 62/3
	MEK Hussey	b Hoggard	6	37	20	0	0	30.00
	24.1 Hussey, who has been beaten a couple of times in his short stay, is bowled through the gate by Hoggard who brings one back into the left hander. That's the end of a run that has seen him make six fifties on the trot against England 79/4
	MJ Clarke	c †Read b Harmison	5	6	5	0	0	100.00
	25.2 now this is interesting! Harmison's second ball is just short of a length outside off stump, Clarke spars and a thin but oh-so-audible nick is heard all over the ground and Clarke doesn't wait for the decision as a jubilant Chris Read hurls the ball to the heavens 84/5
	A Symonds	c †Read b Harmison	156	327	220	15	1	70.90
	99.2 well bowled, Harmison, but that was a disappointing shot from Symonds. Full and wide - certainly driveable - but Symonds failed to move his feet; going for an expansive drive, he got a thick outside edge which flew to gleeful Read 383/8
	AC Gilchrist†	c Collingwood b Mahmood	1	10	8	0	0	12.50
	92.3 GONE! Well done Mahmood. Very full indeed, and very wide - it deserved punishment, frankly - but moved just a touch away from Gilchrist who got a thick edge, the ball flying to Collingwood at second slip who took a fine catch above his head 365/7
	SK Warne	not out	40	75	54	6	0	74.07
	SR Clark	c †Read b Mahmood	8	34	24	0	0	33.33
	106.5 gone; good-length ball outside off, Clark nibbles at it and it's taken by Read 417/9
	GD McGrath	c Bell b Mahmood	0	9	6	0	0	0.00
	108.3 yes he can! Full, outside off and McGrath squirts it to Ian Bell at point to pick up his 35th duck, denying Warne a fifty 419/10
	Extras	(lb 6, w 1, nb 9)	16
	Total	(all out; 108.3 overs; 505 mins)	419	(3.86 runs per over)

	Bowling	O	M	R	W	Econ
	MJ Hoggard	21	6	82	1	3.90	(1nb)
	24.1 to Hussey, Hussey, who has been beaten a couple of times in his short stay, is bowled through the gate by Hoggard who brings one back into the left hander. That's the end of a run that has seen him make six fifties on the trot against England 79/4
	A Flintoff	22	1	77	3	3.50	(8nb)
	9.2 to Langer, GONE. Langer has walked. Angling across Langer who drove, on the up, and got a thin outside edge to Read who took a good catch low to his left 44/1 9.3 to Lee, GOT HIM! A lovely ball just moving away from Lee who fished at it, edging it through to Read 44/2 17.3 to Ponting, GODDIM! Flintoff banging it in, short and wide and Ponting tries to pull it, gets a top edge to Alastair Cook at midwicket who steadies himself and swallows an easy catch 62/3
	SJ Harmison	28	6	69	2	2.46
	25.2 to Clarke, now this is interesting! Harmison's second ball is just short of a length outside off stump, Clarke spars and a thin but oh-so-audible nick is heard all over the ground and Clarke doesn't wait for the decision as a jubilant Chris Read hurls the ball to the heavens 84/5 99.2 to Symonds, well bowled, Harmison, but that was a disappointing shot from Symonds. Full and wide - certainly driveable - but Symonds failed to move his feet; going for an expansive drive, he got a thick outside edge which flew to gleeful Read 383/8
	SI Mahmood	21.3	1	100	4	4.65	(1w)
	90.4 to Hayden, oh well bowled, that's a snorter from Mahmood squaring Hayden up who tried to work it to leg, got a thick outside edge to Read. And he walked 363/6 92.3 to Gilchrist, GONE! Well done Mahmood. Very full indeed, and very wide - it deserved punishment, frankly - but moved just a touch away from Gilchrist who got a thick edge, the ball flying to Collingwood at second slip who took a fine catch above his head 365/7 106.5 to Clark, gone; good-length ball outside off, Clark nibbles at it and it's taken by Read 417/9 108.3 to McGrath, yes he can! Full, outside off and McGrath squirts it to Ian Bell at point to pick up his 35th duck, denying Warne a fifty 419/10
	MS Panesar	12	1	52	0	4.33
	PD Collingwood	3	0	20	0	6.66
	KP Pietersen	1	0	13	0	13.00

	England 2nd innings		R	M	B	4s	6s	SR
	AJ Strauss	c †Gilchrist b Lee	31	173	107	2	0	28.97
	37.5 GODDIM, that's the length from Lee. Fuller and straighter, Strauss drives and gets a thick outside edge which flies through to Gilchrist and Lee celebrates like a cowboy, swishing his hand in a circular motion above his head 90/5
	AN Cook	b Clark	20	64	46	1	0	43.47
	14.5 GONE! A lovely delivery from Clark, pitching it right up, swinging in to Cook who got a thick inside edge to knock out his off stump 41/1
	IR Bell	lbw b McGrath	2	21	11	0	0	18.18
	19.2 GONE: Rudi has given an lbw. It hit him above the knee roll and Rudi raises his slow finger of death 48/2
	KP Pietersen	b Clark	1	7	8	0	0	12.50
	20.5 GONE! What a delivery from Clark, cutting back into Pietersen who drove expansively, completely misreading the movement and it pings back his off stump 49/3
	PD Collingwood	c Langer b Lee	16	52	38	0	0	42.10
	31.4 dear, oh dear. Loose drive spanked straight to Langer at short extra cover, a good catch slightly to his left, and Lee turns in triumph to his detractors ... who carry on singing regardless! 75/4
	A Flintoff*	lbw b Clark	25	60	45	2	0	55.55
	45.5 again this swings into Flintoff, at good pace, who goes for a booming straight drive but is rapped on the pad. He's hit quite high up on his pad but it's good enough for Rudi who raises his finger 108/6
	CMW Read†	not out	26	127	77	1	0	33.76
	SI Mahmood	lbw b Warne	0	3	2	0	0	0.00
	46.3 GONE! The flipper! What a ball from Warne. Mahmood didn't have a clue, as it hurried onto him and he couldn't get his bat down in time 109/7
	SJ Harmison	lbw b Warne	4	44	26	0	0	15.38
	56.5 full, Harmison lunges forward but misses and the ball hits him on his back foot and that's about as out as you can get, right in front of middle and hitting about a third of the way up 127/8
	MS Panesar	c Clarke b Lee	14	20	19	2	0	73.68
	61.2 bouncer, well aimed, and Panesar doesn't know whether to duck or play it, and the self-preservational jab loops to Michael Clarke in the slips. It's almost curtains now ... 146/9
	MJ Hoggard	b Lee	5	21	20	0	0	25.00
	65.5 that's it, full and right through Hoggard's half-hearted defence 161/10
	Extras	(lb 12, w 1, nb 4)	17
	Total	(all out; 65.5 overs; 301 mins)	161	(2.44 runs per over)

	Bowling	O	M	R	W	Econ
	B Lee	18.5	6	47	4	2.49	(3nb)
	31.4 to Collingwood, dear, oh dear. Loose drive spanked straight to Langer at short extra cover, a good catch slightly to his left, and Lee turns in triumph to his detractors ... who carry on singing regardless! 75/4 37.5 to Strauss, GODDIM, that's the length from Lee. Fuller and straighter, Strauss drives and gets a thick outside edge which flies through to Gilchrist and Lee celebrates like a cowboy, swishing his hand in a circular motion above his head 90/5 61.2 to Panesar, bouncer, well aimed, and Panesar doesn't know whether to duck or play it, and the self-preservational jab loops to Michael Clarke in the slips. It's almost curtains now ... 146/9 65.5 to Hoggard, that's it, full and right through Hoggard's half-hearted defence 161/10
	GD McGrath	12	2	26	1	2.16	(1w)
	19.2 to Bell, GONE: Rudi has given an lbw. It hit him above the knee roll and Rudi raises his slow finger of death 48/2
	SR Clark	16	6	30	3	1.87	(1nb)
	14.5 to Cook, GONE! A lovely delivery from Clark, pitching it right up, swinging in to Cook who got a thick inside edge to knock out his off stump 41/1 20.5 to Pietersen, GONE! What a delivery from Clark, cutting back into Pietersen who drove expansively, completely misreading the movement and it pings back his off stump 49/3 45.5 to Flintoff, again this swings into Flintoff, at good pace, who goes for a booming straight drive but is rapped on the pad. He's hit quite high up on his pad but it's good enough for Rudi who raises his finger 108/6
	SK Warne	19	3	46	2	2.42

Kiwis

I hate the kiwis. Hate 'em.
Boring, sanctimonious, humourless.
I might even dislike them more than the aussies.
Dunno.

Mohammed Asif

I was extremely pleased to note that Mohammed Asif - the Pakistani Glen McGrath - is back after serving time for being caught in an airport in the middle east with some hash on him (school boy error if there ever was one).

This is good news for world cricket. He is a proper fast bowler - not like the rest of the jokers in fast bowling around the world who claim to be 'world class'.

world beater/world class

This is fairly obvious but worth setting out. Over lunch, I set up the statsguru on cricinfo to list all the tests which have been played since 1999 to work out the number of players for each country which have been (i) world beaters and (ii) world class. The former being people like lara, the latter being people like Hayden. For each country here goes:

SA - (i) Donald, Kallis, Pollock
(ii) Smith, Ntini

Ind - (i) Dravid, Tenduklar
(ii) Dhoni, Sewag, Ganguly, Laxman, Harbajan, kumble

SL - (i) Jayasuriya, Muralitharan
(ii) sangakara, Jayawardene

NZ - (i)
(ii) Fleming, Vettori, Cairns

Zim - (i) Andy Flower
(ii) streak

WI - (i) Ambrose, Lara, Walsh
(ii) Chanderpaul, Gayle

Pak - (i) Akram, Waqar
(ii) Mushtaq, Inzamam, Mohammed Yusuf, Saeed Anwar, Younis Kahn

Aus - (i) Ponting, S Waugh, Gilchrist, Warne, McGrath
(ii) Hayden, Langer, M Waugh, Martyn, Lee, Gillespie, McGill, Clarke, Hussey

England, however, is impossible to judge given our nationality....

Who do we think?

I'd suggest

(i) nobody
(ii) Flintoff, Stewart, Gough, Atherton, Caddick, Trescothick, Hoggard, Vaughan, Thorpe, Pietersen, Hussein.

This might explain why we kept losing the ashes but we were pretty good against all other teams.

God, this analysis is painfully obvious isn't it. I'll post it anyway to see if it can induce some comments. Ben, you are free to apply the 'cuntometer' to the list if you so choose.

a day ahead

so, i'm here before you all. what to write about? hmmm.

i think i'll discuss SA and their cunt ratings.

so, here goes

Smith - surprising, not so much of one;
Gibbs - massive one;
Kallis - looks like rollinson;
de Villiers - not sure?
Duminy - ok - has an earring that makes him look like a bit of a dick;
Boucher - crys a lot;
Morkel - shit;
Botha - no idea;
Merwe - no idea either;
Parnell - seems ok.

in conclusion, this was a little disappointing for me. i would like to think they're all wankers, but they're ok - except gibbs. who may be enough of a cunt to cancel out the ok-ish-ness of the rest.

the real problem lies with the sa fan, who appears to have taken on the 'australian' mantel for being a) supporter of the best team in the world; 2) telling everyone that sa are the best in the world, and that the sooner the rest of us stop playing cricket and therefore acknowledge the rightful place of sa as the best in the world the better; and 3) accusing everyone else of cheating because sa loose.

which brings me onto strauss:

1) is a soothsayer;
2) therefore knows when to call a player back or allow a runner, because he know exactly when the WILL be out;
3) therefore laughs in the face of 'the spirit of the game';
4) and therefore, is a bad captain.

At least, that's what one sa blogger implied. cunts, you see. as if:

1) smith would have done any different;
2) that strauss needs to be consulted for every decision the umpires make;
3) is going against 'the spirit' by not letting a fat smith have someone else do the hard work for him;
4) has just won the ashes;
5) is batting rather well.

mendis

(I think it was chappell) yesterday referred to Mendis as being a 'folded finger spinner' - which is a fantastic obscure term to be added to the lexicon.

Also, have you noticed that mendis bowling looks a bit like one of those accurate girl bowlers who wobble it around at about 60mph? That he can only move it up, down, left, right a few centimeters while bowling on a good length at the stumps seems to be good enough to take apart most batsmen however. It is hardly warne or murali spin, but it is very effective AND extremely annoying to get out to (like being bowled by a girl).

Shah, Owais

The whole England team, especially the batsmen seem to be scaling levels of one-day averageness achieved by few before. My ire is chiefly reserved, however, for Owais Shah. He is, no doubt, a talented batsman, but he radiates such chaos, uncertainty, not to say actual insanity, that it makes the entire team look shit and mental. His fielding and levels of effort are FUCKING ATROCIOUS. He has a bizarre ability to appear to be incredibly tense, and looking like he doesn't give a fuck at the same time.

It's been said before, but it bears repeating, that the word 'liability' could have been invented for him.

Paradigm Shift.

Tax deductible, innit - it's a creative aid, man.

Snoop has jumped the shark.

Wax on, wax off.

A Seismic shift in the pre-ordained order of things.

"It didn't come down to individuals, it came down to at the right time England won the critical moments and we lost them. Everything indicates we dominated the Test series. We lost the Test series through probably five hours of cricket." This is a quote from Aussie selector Brett Twat (or something).
This is good news because it means that:
a) England are now not a bunch of gibbers, and are mentally quite tough when it matters, but more importantly that,
b) Australia are now a bunch of gibbers, and are mentally not tough enough when it matters.
Hurrah.

Harmison

Unless someone starts writing on our blog, I'm going to decamp to King Cricket. We've just won the ashes for flip's sake!

Anyway, did anyone see Harmison's rant after the Ashes victory? I thought it was extremely impressive (and he did bowl very well).

Another high point was Broad chucking the replica urn at Cook.

ashes 2009

Ahhh...very satisfying

Jack Penate's grandfather is mervyn peake

Stuart Broad

Or 'Malfoy on Stilts' - good work CMJ

Wii Cricket

Any good jarms? Are the pressures of test cricket as you expected?

Ian Bell

Whilst for some the jury remains out on Australia's cuntness, the fact that ian bell is a massive twat is like an immutable law of nature and will remain so for all time. When the mountains have crumbled and lizards rule the earth once more, he will still be a little nonsense spouting ginger twat.
My lack of opinion either way about ian bell has ended, by the way.

Errr....

I don't know quite how to say this Ben, but apart from Punter, they're just not that cunty. I would even go so far as to say I quite like one or two of them. I'm not going to say which ones. I've even changed the font to hide my shame. Sorry.

New Bat

Do think if i got hold of this bat: the Puma Iridium 6000 GTR Cricket Bat, Price: £319.99, i would be any good at cricket?

i expect joseph to be walking out with this next time - its the least you could do jarms, since you will be expecting, i've no doubt, his england wage to support you in your old age.

fuck III

Bryant is clearly a twat. there is a lot in his latest that proves this.

'Much as England fans had a sneaking admiration and affection for Shane Warne.' by Nick Bryant, clearly a cunt, and by the looks of his photo, a punchable one at that.

Did we? I thought he was a cunt. And I wager most England fans felt the same. And I wasn't at all sneaky about, quite vocal actually.

Fuck II

Sutherland said he had no problems with the behaviour of Ponting or his team. "I was extremely proud of how Ricky and all the players handled some tense situations," he said. "I thought he behaved in an entirely appropriate way." (my emphasis).

Says it all really.

fuck

2. Bopara
3. Bell
4. Collingwood

Discuss.

ECB chief exec in massive fat noggin shock!

Goodbye, my lovely family!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/gamesblog/2009/jul/21/ashes-cricket-2009

My dream of spending my whole summer playing test matches in real time is finally here.

Warne's ball to Bell

If you look back in the 'fetch' archive, you'll find ian bell being plumb LBW to a Warne shooter in the 2005 Ashes. Warne admitted on Sunday on TV that is was actually a leg spinner which for some reason didn't turn. So, he did pick him...sort of...

PS just checked and it has disappeared from utube, but you know the one I mean I'm sure.

Also, Warne reckons that his favorite sledge ever was 'shermanator'. Actually, does anybody want to slag warne's commentary off. I find it difficult, as it is still a couple of levels above 'England should try harder' Botham.

Why hasn't freddie turned green?

---

Edit - the picture Jarms attempted to post in his comment below...

You're right Kris, but which one?

Maybe Mac, or perhaps Willy.

Freddie

Andrew Flintoff...please reconsider...

England sympathetic to Ponting injustice.

new music

drive-by truckers, anyone? couple of gems. some tat. would appreciate constructive dialogue, jarman.

oh, and cricket is going rather well.

Rememberance of things past

Despite not being the Hector that everyone wished him to be, Flintoff is still a iconic representation of, say, the last 10 years of English cricket, in the same way that, say, Botham and Hussain were before him (I'm not going to pretend I've got enough knowledge to refer back to players before the early 80s for the purposes of this point).

For this reason, his passing from Test cricket is an existential watershed; another moment when we can pause and recognise the transient part we all get to play in reality.

People mythologised his roots, his northern, "pint and a pie", "mind the windows, Tino" authenticity.

Others, in tune with the modern cynical age, derided him as either unprofessional and duplicitous by turns.

In terms of his playing, I just want to give you this...

And I just want to remind this blog that, for better or worse, he was a paradigm of English cricket at the turn of the century. And the fact that he is retiring provides us with a moment to both applaud and mourn the nature of sport (indeed, all human endeavour) and our place in the cosmos.

---

(pretty up its arse, eh? - KKP)

That match report in full.

Well, it was all jolly exciting.

Peter Siddle looks a bit like Kurt.

Sorry, the link in my previous reply won't fit into the discussion box. So, read the comments on this:

http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/comments/0,22023,25771607-2882,00.html

Also, the headline to this article doesn't match the content really does it?

http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,25775153-5019127,00.html

Fresh telemetry

So, I think we need to assess the new Aussie team after the first test for their cunt levels, using our freshly calibrated Punt-o-meter...

Katich: 3/5

Hughes: 5/5

Ponting: duh

Clarke: 4/5

Hussey: 1/5

North: 3/5

Haddin: 4/5

Johnson: 2/5

Siddle: 6/5

Hilfenhaus: 1/5

Hauritz: 2/5

So the conclusions are that Siddle is the new Ponting and Hilfenhaus is the new Hussey. I reckon.

hmmm

that didn't go so well, did it?

the only positive note is that hughes has been found out.

what we need to do now is bowl freddy into the ground, thus finally ending his career.

but hopefully the pitch will start spinning at some point before that is necessary, as was promised.

Ashes - come on down

I'm so excited, I could shit...

Off topic

Right, lads

Go here...

Link

Read it, set up a gmail account (by going here).

Then email me (pettsvaldo@gmail.com) so I know your addresses.

Then, surely to goodness, we can start having some fun, no?

matt prior

Matt Prior currently averages 48.4. How did that happen?

good and bad

good

pakistan playing in england;
WI beating India.

bad

vaughn's retirement;
england cricket team being all twatish and visiting war graves. all a bit too australain - they should have gone paintballing or to the sportsman on a sunday afternoon.

Look who's back (not Dr Dre)

Right:

One or both of Andy Flower and Otis Gibson is a genius.

Broad, Anderson and Sidebottom are all of a sudden much better than they were...

Also, is Onions in ridiculous form, is a bit lucky (and we need that seeing as Broad, Flintoff and Anderson are relatively unlucky) or, actually, really quite good?

Well done on the selection either way.

Did you by any chance see the comments on Flower on cricinfo. Sounds like the guy for us.

http://www.cricinfo.com/england/content/story/399553.html

Sorry if I've missed the bus (as Bumble might say) on this debate. I've got to catch up...

chimps writing shakespeare

When I was sent this photo by my dad of me batting in the staff/student cricket match i was reminded of the story about chimps writing Shakespeare....

Chairman of selectors (A. Jarman) speaks.

Cook
Strauss (c)
Bopara
Pietersen
Collingwood
Prior (wkt.)
Flintoff
Broad
Swann
Anderson
Onions/Panesar

This twelve will win the Ashes. That is all.

Ashes squad

So, its been decided:

Andrew Strauss (capt): good
James Anderson: good
Ian Bell: d'oh. but i guess his performances of late warrant getting in the squad. at least its not shah.
Ravi Bopara: good
Tim Bresnan: um, i guess ok
Stuart Broad: good, not a jibber
Paul Collingwood: still average...
Alastair Cook: good, but clarke the bowler will get him out every time
Andrew Flintoff: good, and about time he performed
Graham Onions: good, but too much like anderson
Monty Panesar: i still love monty, but other selections are better
Kevin Pietersen: good
Matt Prior: good, would probably play as a batter if necessary
Adil Rashid: good, but isn't he small
Ryan Sidebottom: not a jibber, but is he still any good (probably)
Graeme Swann: good, but a bit of a dick (see recent interview in wisden)

younger members of fetch

alex, please give me due warning before you bestow official membership of 'fetch!' on joseph. (do we have a cap to award him?) i will, at this point, tone down my language. (code word for aussie cricketers will become 'punts'. this is a good code word for two reasosn: one, it is not a sware word; and two, its derivitive of 'ponting', who is known as 'punter', and who is, in case you didn't know, the biggest cunt of them all.)

i think i've got time with the other two future bloggers, who will in due course join our team - luke and eskel. (i'm presuming that astrid, being a girl and all that, is not permitted to join?).

one last cricketing point - the glos are very good at the moment. which is nice.

kris, is it true that the low anthem are quite good? band of heathens are good - they are exactly like little feet.

From cricket info:

'Harmison and Onions complemented each other perfectly in this match. Between them they claimed 13 for 230 in this game, with Harmison using his height to extract bounce, and Onions bowling fuller and straighter. Onions appeared slightly the quicker.' (my emphasis.)

interesting. i think they'll got for sidebottom anyway.

just in case anyone thought i was going to mature in my 'fetch!' blogging: have you seen what that cunt warne is? - rekoning bopra is a jibber! (he might be, but warne can still fuck off.) heyden also said katch and that other fuckwit of an opener are going to struggle with reverse. this takes heyden down to 9.99 on the official icc-bc international cunt ratings (out of 5). right, that puerile enough for you?

Classic 20/20 victory!

YMCA u13's beat Knowle u13's by 10 runs.

An imposing total of 103 was always going to be a stiff challenge for the south Bristol team, but despite a brave rearguard, accurate bowling and some amazing catching saw YMCA home. Joseph Jarman was a surprise choice as opener- less surprising was his exit for a four ball duck, although not before he played a forward defensive that was every bit as aesthetically pleasing as Vaughny's cover drive.
He finally tasted bowling success with his first competitive wicket during a tight two-over spell which brought him figures of 1 for 6. Taking advantage of a low, slow wicket, he got one to not bounce at all, and the accurate line payed off. Suffice it to say that the bowler was not as ridiculously as excited as his father.

Come on

you wankers! England win. Australia out. Mendis bamboozlement. Sanga coolness. What's going on. Where are you? Well, I know where most of you are, but you need to sort your priorities out.

Alone in the world

Alone in the world I'm quite excited by the 20/20 world cup thingy. A pity the weather has gone pear shaped (i.e. hot) otherwise we might have stood a chance by exploiting english conditions. Come on england!

return

I have now returned to you all and pleased to see that this blog has got even more purile. Well done boys.

However, you seem to have failed to comment on how good Stuart Broad seems to be becoming? Pushing past 90mph and exceptionally intelligent with the ball in hand and reminds Boycott of Sobers with the bat. I love him.

I now also love James Anderson. I never thought that I would say that.

the evil

is it just me, or is this 20-20 thing getting out of hand? apparently someone wants another cup or league or tournament or what the fuck ever. i don't know who's playing what, where, and what for, at the moment. and it seems that most players have also got over their burnout now. am i going to have to find another sport that no one plays nor cares about? it strikes me that cricket is going the way of the football league - and that's all about money. i'm thinking of becoming obsessed with badminton next - i just need to find out who is England's arch nemesis (or nemesi?), so that i can properly direct my foul vitriol.

ratings of the ashes squad

I notice that they've announced the Australian ashes squad. I've been doing some analysis on what we can expect - form, averages, age etc. and i've come up with a 'cunt rating' for all of them. Below are the results:

R Ponting (c), M Clarke (vc), S Clark, B Haddin, N Hauritz, B Hilfenhaus, P Hughes, M Hussey, M Johnson, S Katich, B Lee, G Manou, A McDonald, M North, P Siddle, S Watson. All cunts.

Lewis smuggled '3kg of cocaine' in fruit cans

mmmmmmm, cocaine flavored orange segments in natural juice.

The Glos.

Zeroes to heroes.  Huh? 

Time to think.

While the birth of L.W.B. Capps is of course a wonderful and joyous event, it does leave us with a problem.  Broadly speaking, one quarter of Fetch WILL NOT BE ABLE TO THINK ABOUT CRICKET for a little while.  Accordingly, I suggest that the remaining 3/4 implement a direct 33% (? not sure about the maths) increase in time spent thinking about cricket.

To this end, I have already watched the two hour highlights package of the first test 3 times over the weekend, which is additional to the time spent trawling the internet for a new bat for Joseph WHEN HE DOESN'T REALLY NEED ONE!

I'm doing my bit- what will you do?  Don't worry, your other halves will understand.

Assessment

dickhead

I was also pleased to see Hughes get 5 in a total of 65. cunt.

Strauss is not a jibber:

1513 runs in 17 Tests at 54.03, a tally which included seven centuries, two of which came in a single Test against India (not jibber bowling) at Chennai in December (and after the recent terrorist attack).

obama

Does Obama remind you of a left-handed owais shah?

England squad.

Not particularly sure about this. Onions does not quite give us the 'bite' we need first change? It also looks like we're going into the first test with Prior at 6 and Broad, Swann or Bresnan at 7. Jesus: Andy Flower BETTER be a genius...

A Strauss (Middlesex, capt), J Anderson (Lancashire), R Bopara (Essex)
T Bresnan (Yorkshire), S Broad (Nottinghamshire), P Collingwood (Durham)
A Cook (Essex), G Onions (Durham), M Panesar (Northamptonshire), K Pietersen (Hampshire), M Prior (Sussex), G Swann (Nottinghamshire)

Match report YMCA u11s vs. Twyford House u11s

Match tied- 82 runs apiece.
Very truncated match report as correspondent had to leave early due to a poorly wife. Good cricket allround, blah blah. Josep Jarman dnb. The coach obviously sees him as a bowler. Came on third change and bowled two overs of mainly accurate seam-up. Reasonably tight as usual, and had a good shout for lbw turned down. Came on for a tight over at the death. He's still physically smaller than most of the rest of the team, and the coach obviously doesn't rate his batting, so he is working hard to establish himself as a first 11 player. Unfortunately, due to the 'everyone gets a game at some point' principle, he may find himself rested next week. We'll see.
Next week- home match against his previous club Bishopston. Come to think of it, he probably won't play as to avoid ill-feeling boiling over.

Around the counties

COME ON BOYS - WRITE SOMETHING!

Curiously, have you noticed that Read, Davis, Pothas, Wallace and Jones have all scored tons in the current round of championship matches, and Ambrose is currently on 70-odd? Do you think England's w/k job is up for grabs by any chance?

Also, we should have a debate about number 3 and third/fourth seamer for the first test. Regarding the latter, while it seems that Anderson and Broad are busy nailing down their spots, and Flintoff is fit (even if he is getting a bit of tap in Capetown) Hoggard has started impressively, as has Harmison. Who else is in the reckoning? Should we go back to one of these two? REgarding number 3: how many more runs do you think bell needs before he gets back in the team. I reckon another 5 centuries before the first test and I'll have to let him back in. What a twat that man is....

sorry to cut and paste from KC, but this is awesome

The match was notable also for the disgraceful behaviour of NZ captain Daniel Vetori. I know that Sehwag can be tricky to get out, but a cricket pitch is no place for kung-fu violence. One can only hope that he receives a strong punishment.

http://content.cricinfo.com/nzvind2009/content/image/396997.htm

India vs. NZ

Watched the first few overs of the first test last night.  Just thought that I'd alert you to the hilarious fact that Sachin has 31 more test centuries than the whole NZ team put together.

Aus v Pakinstan

David Morgan:

'Australia v Pakistan test series in England is a very strong possibility'

YES PLEASE!!!!

two points

1. In reference to your query below Pat, Phil Hughes (as described on some blog) is, in fact, a 20 year old Matthew Hayden.  Great.

2. Apparently, Amjhad Kahn is a chucker.  

Standing

Harmy to Straussy: "When we get to Trinidad I want to sit down with him over a beer or take him out for a meal and see where we stand."er, gayville?

Aus v SA

I was just gearing up for the 4th test, when I noticed that SA v Aus tests - which should surely tell us which of this lot are complete twats as well as world champions - start tomorrow.

Central issues:

1. Phil Hughes - Mark Lathwell or yawn 'the next bradman'? Probably someway between the 'r' of 'or' and the 'y' of yawn.

2. Australia's attack: siddle, bollinger, hilfelhaus, johnson. With 'bryce mcgain' as the 'spinner'?

3. Whether Duminy is great or really great?

4. How many toys ponting will throw out the pram when he realises the worst about 1 and 2?

5. Whether - please - some of the new players will reveal themselves as total toss pots when the pressure is on?

Thoughts of Chairman Lucy

The well known cricket writer Lucy Jarman is incensed at Matthew Prior's return to see his newborn, on the grounds that not only has he already missed the birth and is also being paid a lot of money, but also because, as an international cricketer, he should have had a quick glance at the future tours programme when planning to have a baby.  As is often the case, I agree with what(ever) she says.  Also, it does leave our team looking suspiciously shit.  Any thoughts- we're most of us fathers or fathers to (VERY soon) be?

Also, welcome back Pakistan, and well done Younis!

An antidote to stress. At the risk of...

increasing non cricket-related fetch traffic, I urge and beg you to go to youtube now (can't do link, sorry. Link-monkey!) and type in 'yacht rock episode 1'. The real story behind the classic song. So many highlights, but check out particularly john Oates and Denny Diaz.

---

Edit by Link Monkey - done...

names

As an expectant father, this, from the WI pres XI, may have given me some inspiration:

"Opening the bowling was a man who, to judge from his name, must have carried an immense burden of expectation since birth: Barrington Bjorn Beckenbauer Yearwood."

state of play

well, at least it sounded like a good test match.

I am cheery though, because a tall silent dude who menaces my classes with his solemn seriousness turns out to share my hatred of the BCCI (i haven't asked if this is why he is so serious). but he is from pakistan, so i guess he has to. we're going to the nets tomorrow to re-create some of the great wasim v. atherton match ups.

i've tried all week to come up with a limerick about bell. but i can only get as far as: 'there was a crap cricketer called bell... end'. he he.

St Johns Rec

Yesterday 1pm: discussing the slow and inevitable demise of test cricket with Pets

Yesterday 10pm: faith restored. Not only because of Strauss's sublime century, but because of the surroundings the feat was performed in: clearly dangerous stands; 8000 England supporters burning to death; giant reefers being prepared and smoked; and the WI trying to land the ball on the half-way line of the football pitch which lay just short of a length.

Can you imagine how you would have felt if you'd spent 3 grand for the privilege of watching the second test and then you get to watch the last test match at St Johns...

Fantastic.

not acceptable

Can you believe this....

do you reckon the BCCI are behind it in an attempt to wreak the beautiful game?

brett lee - 'I love you'

Binsy found this.

is this merely 'un-broad-like' (i.e. twat-ish) or much worse?

http://www.brett-lee.net/fans/poems.shtml

Once we have poems about waxing lyrical about KP, I will then give up supporting England. I'd be quite happy with a limerick or sea-shanty on Steve Harmison though.

I know it's pathetic but..

when this sort of thing happens it leaves me feeling genuinely low. When Lucy asks why I'm in such a bad mood, I have to lie, because the truth is too embarrassing. We invest such a lot of time thinking, writing, talking, dreaming and hoping about this fucking game and this fucking side, that this sort of thing feels like a bereavement. Please help. What can I do? I want to support another team (not too good, but better- Sri Lanka) or maybe there's another sport. I'm in crisis and I need help.

Nothing to do with cricket...

...which, in one sense, in a blessed relief I think.

Get over to http://daytrotter.com/article/1575/ron-sexsmith and download the free tracks there.  Frickin' ace.

Still chubby, still resolutely bereft of styling.

sorry to mention the league of evil, but...

Andrew Flintoff to Chennai Super Kings 1.55 million;
Kevin Pietersen to Bangalore Royal Challengers 1.55 million;
Ravi Bopara to Kings XI Punjab 450,000;
Owais Shah to Delhi Daredevils 275,000;
Paul Collingwood to Delhi 275,000;
Stuart Clark, Brad Haddin unsold.

two things: one, surely this proves that clark and haddin are dicks.
and two, who the fuck would want collingwood?
actually, three things:
three, why are we really, really shit at ODIs?

ian bell

cunty bell has failed again.

He needs shooting.

I am pleased today.

not only do the aussies continue to loose, but i also have a new target of hatred - haddin. i always suspected he was a wanker. but after watching the match yesterday, i now have the proof.

Ponting spoke before he had seen a replay but challenged Vettori to be sure of his Haddin criticism:

"It's a bit much, he's basically claiming [Haddin's] a cheat, isn't he? That's a bit strong unless they're 100% certain... We'll wait and see. If [a replay] does show anything that Brad is in the clear, I'll certainly be letting Daniel know about it. It's probably worth Haddin having a chat to him as well. He's basically had a bit of a crack at Haddin's make-up."

so, the replay does show that haddin knocked the bails off. And in conclusion, then, haddin is a cheat, and i hope that both ponting and brad will be speaking to vitori acknowledging the fact.

also, what kind of tosser puts on 'make-up' to keep wicket. poofs, that's who.

i think that whenever the aussies loose their grip on the game, they start to accuse others of cheating/bringing the game into disrepute. witness the 2005 ashes.