Two Things

Firstly, since Jimmy has now turned down trying to play for the IPL as well as Broad, does that make him both ace, and 'not a twat'?

Secondly, read this article in case there remained any lingering doubts as to whether Graham Smith is a MASSIVE twat. http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2009/dec/15/steve-harmison-england-graeme-smith

nz cricket

vittori has taken 485 first class wickets, and 311 were in tests (96 tests, 148 first class). is it any wonder that nz cricketers aren't much cop - all they do is play test cricket, and that's not a particularly good place to learn. if i had to practice playing at test level, i wouldn't be any good either.

by the way, has anyone pressed the 'report abuse' button at the top of the page? what happens? do the kc anger-squad pay said abuser a visit? i feel like pressing it in lieu of jarman's personal attack on me, some time ago, because i like the Band of Heathens.

Pietersen

Is a nob.

Mark Davis has been called into the England squad. About time, but probably wrong continent to be making his debut.

I quite like the WI making a fist of it against the new crowned rubbish Australians.

Pat

Petterson is a fucking tosser

Nah, not really, just using a topical boycs related reference to try and get a bit of reaction.
I genuinely believe that there is not a better team in world cricket today than England.
That's probably more controversial than calling pets a tosser.
Fuck india and their nonsense flat track shit. Dravid is the only honourable man amongst them.
Come on chaps.

Woo-hah!

According to Bumble on the telly, Busta Rhymes is a cricket man. His dad played in Trinidad, and apparently he knows a bit about the game. He is also, apparently, a left-handed bat and a 'big unit.'

Zimbabwe's Mark Vermeulen

I hadn't heard anything about this. This guy makes Jesse Ryder look like... well, someone really sensible and normal. Good for world cricket? You decide.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/cricket/international/zimbabwe/6298946/Zimbabwes-Mark-Vermeulen-on-the-road-back-from-arsonist-to-international-cricketer.html

horrible

Can you remember how terrible this test match was? Warne's 700th test wicket... England 1st innings		R	M	B	4s	6s	SR
	AJ Strauss	b Warne	50	206	132	1	0	37.87
	46.2 700 for Shane Warne! There it is, his 700th Test wicket and what a ball to reach the milestone! Outside Strauss's off stump, spinning massively back past Strauss's expansive cover drive 101/4
	AN Cook	c †Gilchrist b Lee	11	49	37	1	0	29.72
	10.5 GONE! Cook tried to leave it but was late, couldn't get the bat out of the way - the ball just feathering the bottom, or toe-end of his bat 23/1
	IR Bell	lbw b Clark	7	46	30	0	0	23.33
	20.5 that's about as out as you can get without hitting the stumps. Bell caught in the crease by one that zipped back and hit him on the knee roll, and Bell was off and the crowd were celebrating before Rudi Koertzen's finger had even started it's super slow-mo upwards motion 44/2
	PD Collingwood	c Ponting b Lee	28	115	82	4	0	34.14
	45.6 gone! Straighter this time from Lee, cutting away a touch from Collingwood who is unnerved by the extra bounce, spooning it to Ponting at second slip who took a fine, tumbling catch 101/3
	KP Pietersen	c Symonds b Warne	21	104	70	0	0	30.00
	70.2 Warne strikes, Pietersen, stranded with the rabbits, looks to loft the ball into the stands behind the bowler, and deep mid-off and mid-on converge just inside the ropes and it's Andrew Symonds who makes a difficult catch look ridiculously easy 146/9
	A Flintoff*	c Warne b Clark	13	36	31	1	0	41.93
	55.5 outside Flintoff's off stump, a touch more bounce but it's in the perfect channel. He prods at it with a stiff, concrete-like front leg and the ball flies to Warne who takes a simple catch 122/5
	CMW Read†	c Ponting b Warne	3	28	17	0	0	17.64
	62.6 on off stump, Read flays it straight to Ponting - who was in very close at short extra cover - who took an excellent catch. It was the big, juicy "come and get me" from Warne; outside off, tempting Read, and he couldn't refuse - but he was off balance, spooning the ball airborne 135/6
	SI Mahmood	c †Gilchrist b McGrath	0	11	9	0	0	0.00
	65.4 as was that one, but this time Mahmood aims some kind of airy drive with only partial footwork and a thick edge is well taken by Gilchrist moving swiftly to his right 136/7
	SJ Harmison	c Clarke b Warne	7	11	12	1	0	58.33
	68.2 and the folly of Pietersen leaving his partner exposed is underlined as Harmison heaves a ball full and wide down the throat of mid-on who doesn't have to move 145/8
	MS Panesar	c Symonds b Warne	4	27	19	0	0	21.05
	74.2 Panesar perishes trying to drive Warne down the ground, never getting hold of the ball and barely reaching Symonds at mid-on 159/10
	MJ Hoggard	not out	9	15	10	1	0	90.00
	Extras	(b 2, lb 1, nb 3)	6
	Total	(all out; 74.2 overs; 324 mins)	159	(2.13 runs per over)

	Bowling	O	M	R	W	Econ
	B Lee	13	4	36	2	2.76	(2nb)
	10.5 to Cook, GONE! Cook tried to leave it but was late, couldn't get the bat out of the way - the ball just feathering the bottom, or toe-end of his bat 23/1 45.6 to Collingwood, gone! Straighter this time from Lee, cutting away a touch from Collingwood who is unnerved by the extra bounce, spooning it to Ponting at second slip who took a fine, tumbling catch 101/3
	GD McGrath	20	8	37	1	1.85	(1nb)
	65.4 to Mahmood, as was that one, but this time Mahmood aims some kind of airy drive with only partial footwork and a thick edge is well taken by Gilchrist moving swiftly to his right 136/7
	SR Clark	17	6	27	2	1.58
	20.5 to Bell, that's about as out as you can get without hitting the stumps. Bell caught in the crease by one that zipped back and hit him on the knee roll, and Bell was off and the crowd were celebrating before Rudi Koertzen's finger had even started it's super slow-mo upwards motion 44/2 55.5 to Flintoff, outside Flintoff's off stump, a touch more bounce but it's in the perfect channel. He prods at it with a stiff, concrete-like front leg and the ball flies to Warne who takes a simple catch 122/5
	A Symonds	7	2	17	0	2.42
	SK Warne	17.2	4	39	5	2.25
	46.2 to Strauss, 700 for Shane Warne! There it is, his 700th Test wicket and what a ball to reach the milestone! Outside Strauss's off stump, spinning massively back past Strauss's expansive cover drive 101/4 62.6 to Read, on off stump, Read flays it straight to Ponting - who was in very close at short extra cover - who took an excellent catch. It was the big, juicy "come and get me" from Warne; outside off, tempting Read, and he couldn't refuse - but he was off balance, spooning the ball airborne 135/6 68.2 to Harmison, and the folly of Pietersen leaving his partner exposed is underlined as Harmison heaves a ball full and wide down the throat of mid-on who doesn't have to move 145/8 70.2 to Pietersen, Warne strikes, Pietersen, stranded with the rabbits, looks to loft the ball into the stands behind the bowler, and deep mid-off and mid-on converge just inside the ropes and it's Andrew Symonds who makes a difficult catch look ridiculously easy 146/9 74.2 to Panesar, Panesar perishes trying to drive Warne down the ground, never getting hold of the ball and barely reaching Symonds at mid-on 159/10

	Australia 1st innings		R	M	B	4s	6s	SR
	JL Langer	c †Read b Flintoff	27	45	29	3	0	93.10
	9.2 GONE. Langer has walked. Angling across Langer who drove, on the up, and got a thin outside edge to Read who took a good catch low to his left 44/1
	ML Hayden	c †Read b Mahmood	153	418	265	13	2	57.73
	90.4 oh well bowled, that's a snorter from Mahmood squaring Hayden up who tried to work it to leg, got a thick outside edge to Read. And he walked 363/6
	B Lee	c †Read b Flintoff	0	2	1	0	0	0.00
	9.3 GOT HIM! A lovely ball just moving away from Lee who fished at it, edging it through to Read 44/2
	RT Ponting*	c Cook b Flintoff	7	37	28	0	0	25.00
	17.3 GODDIM! Flintoff banging it in, short and wide and Ponting tries to pull it, gets a top edge to Alastair Cook at midwicket who steadies himself and swallows an easy catch 62/3
	MEK Hussey	b Hoggard	6	37	20	0	0	30.00
	24.1 Hussey, who has been beaten a couple of times in his short stay, is bowled through the gate by Hoggard who brings one back into the left hander. That's the end of a run that has seen him make six fifties on the trot against England 79/4
	MJ Clarke	c †Read b Harmison	5	6	5	0	0	100.00
	25.2 now this is interesting! Harmison's second ball is just short of a length outside off stump, Clarke spars and a thin but oh-so-audible nick is heard all over the ground and Clarke doesn't wait for the decision as a jubilant Chris Read hurls the ball to the heavens 84/5
	A Symonds	c †Read b Harmison	156	327	220	15	1	70.90
	99.2 well bowled, Harmison, but that was a disappointing shot from Symonds. Full and wide - certainly driveable - but Symonds failed to move his feet; going for an expansive drive, he got a thick outside edge which flew to gleeful Read 383/8
	AC Gilchrist†	c Collingwood b Mahmood	1	10	8	0	0	12.50
	92.3 GONE! Well done Mahmood. Very full indeed, and very wide - it deserved punishment, frankly - but moved just a touch away from Gilchrist who got a thick edge, the ball flying to Collingwood at second slip who took a fine catch above his head 365/7
	SK Warne	not out	40	75	54	6	0	74.07
	SR Clark	c †Read b Mahmood	8	34	24	0	0	33.33
	106.5 gone; good-length ball outside off, Clark nibbles at it and it's taken by Read 417/9
	GD McGrath	c Bell b Mahmood	0	9	6	0	0	0.00
	108.3 yes he can! Full, outside off and McGrath squirts it to Ian Bell at point to pick up his 35th duck, denying Warne a fifty 419/10
	Extras	(lb 6, w 1, nb 9)	16
	Total	(all out; 108.3 overs; 505 mins)	419	(3.86 runs per over)

	Bowling	O	M	R	W	Econ
	MJ Hoggard	21	6	82	1	3.90	(1nb)
	24.1 to Hussey, Hussey, who has been beaten a couple of times in his short stay, is bowled through the gate by Hoggard who brings one back into the left hander. That's the end of a run that has seen him make six fifties on the trot against England 79/4
	A Flintoff	22	1	77	3	3.50	(8nb)
	9.2 to Langer, GONE. Langer has walked. Angling across Langer who drove, on the up, and got a thin outside edge to Read who took a good catch low to his left 44/1 9.3 to Lee, GOT HIM! A lovely ball just moving away from Lee who fished at it, edging it through to Read 44/2 17.3 to Ponting, GODDIM! Flintoff banging it in, short and wide and Ponting tries to pull it, gets a top edge to Alastair Cook at midwicket who steadies himself and swallows an easy catch 62/3
	SJ Harmison	28	6	69	2	2.46
	25.2 to Clarke, now this is interesting! Harmison's second ball is just short of a length outside off stump, Clarke spars and a thin but oh-so-audible nick is heard all over the ground and Clarke doesn't wait for the decision as a jubilant Chris Read hurls the ball to the heavens 84/5 99.2 to Symonds, well bowled, Harmison, but that was a disappointing shot from Symonds. Full and wide - certainly driveable - but Symonds failed to move his feet; going for an expansive drive, he got a thick outside edge which flew to gleeful Read 383/8
	SI Mahmood	21.3	1	100	4	4.65	(1w)
	90.4 to Hayden, oh well bowled, that's a snorter from Mahmood squaring Hayden up who tried to work it to leg, got a thick outside edge to Read. And he walked 363/6 92.3 to Gilchrist, GONE! Well done Mahmood. Very full indeed, and very wide - it deserved punishment, frankly - but moved just a touch away from Gilchrist who got a thick edge, the ball flying to Collingwood at second slip who took a fine catch above his head 365/7 106.5 to Clark, gone; good-length ball outside off, Clark nibbles at it and it's taken by Read 417/9 108.3 to McGrath, yes he can! Full, outside off and McGrath squirts it to Ian Bell at point to pick up his 35th duck, denying Warne a fifty 419/10
	MS Panesar	12	1	52	0	4.33
	PD Collingwood	3	0	20	0	6.66
	KP Pietersen	1	0	13	0	13.00

	England 2nd innings		R	M	B	4s	6s	SR
	AJ Strauss	c †Gilchrist b Lee	31	173	107	2	0	28.97
	37.5 GODDIM, that's the length from Lee. Fuller and straighter, Strauss drives and gets a thick outside edge which flies through to Gilchrist and Lee celebrates like a cowboy, swishing his hand in a circular motion above his head 90/5
	AN Cook	b Clark	20	64	46	1	0	43.47
	14.5 GONE! A lovely delivery from Clark, pitching it right up, swinging in to Cook who got a thick inside edge to knock out his off stump 41/1
	IR Bell	lbw b McGrath	2	21	11	0	0	18.18
	19.2 GONE: Rudi has given an lbw. It hit him above the knee roll and Rudi raises his slow finger of death 48/2
	KP Pietersen	b Clark	1	7	8	0	0	12.50
	20.5 GONE! What a delivery from Clark, cutting back into Pietersen who drove expansively, completely misreading the movement and it pings back his off stump 49/3
	PD Collingwood	c Langer b Lee	16	52	38	0	0	42.10
	31.4 dear, oh dear. Loose drive spanked straight to Langer at short extra cover, a good catch slightly to his left, and Lee turns in triumph to his detractors ... who carry on singing regardless! 75/4
	A Flintoff*	lbw b Clark	25	60	45	2	0	55.55
	45.5 again this swings into Flintoff, at good pace, who goes for a booming straight drive but is rapped on the pad. He's hit quite high up on his pad but it's good enough for Rudi who raises his finger 108/6
	CMW Read†	not out	26	127	77	1	0	33.76
	SI Mahmood	lbw b Warne	0	3	2	0	0	0.00
	46.3 GONE! The flipper! What a ball from Warne. Mahmood didn't have a clue, as it hurried onto him and he couldn't get his bat down in time 109/7
	SJ Harmison	lbw b Warne	4	44	26	0	0	15.38
	56.5 full, Harmison lunges forward but misses and the ball hits him on his back foot and that's about as out as you can get, right in front of middle and hitting about a third of the way up 127/8
	MS Panesar	c Clarke b Lee	14	20	19	2	0	73.68
	61.2 bouncer, well aimed, and Panesar doesn't know whether to duck or play it, and the self-preservational jab loops to Michael Clarke in the slips. It's almost curtains now ... 146/9
	MJ Hoggard	b Lee	5	21	20	0	0	25.00
	65.5 that's it, full and right through Hoggard's half-hearted defence 161/10
	Extras	(lb 12, w 1, nb 4)	17
	Total	(all out; 65.5 overs; 301 mins)	161	(2.44 runs per over)

	Bowling	O	M	R	W	Econ
	B Lee	18.5	6	47	4	2.49	(3nb)
	31.4 to Collingwood, dear, oh dear. Loose drive spanked straight to Langer at short extra cover, a good catch slightly to his left, and Lee turns in triumph to his detractors ... who carry on singing regardless! 75/4 37.5 to Strauss, GODDIM, that's the length from Lee. Fuller and straighter, Strauss drives and gets a thick outside edge which flies through to Gilchrist and Lee celebrates like a cowboy, swishing his hand in a circular motion above his head 90/5 61.2 to Panesar, bouncer, well aimed, and Panesar doesn't know whether to duck or play it, and the self-preservational jab loops to Michael Clarke in the slips. It's almost curtains now ... 146/9 65.5 to Hoggard, that's it, full and right through Hoggard's half-hearted defence 161/10
	GD McGrath	12	2	26	1	2.16	(1w)
	19.2 to Bell, GONE: Rudi has given an lbw. It hit him above the knee roll and Rudi raises his slow finger of death 48/2
	SR Clark	16	6	30	3	1.87	(1nb)
	14.5 to Cook, GONE! A lovely delivery from Clark, pitching it right up, swinging in to Cook who got a thick inside edge to knock out his off stump 41/1 20.5 to Pietersen, GONE! What a delivery from Clark, cutting back into Pietersen who drove expansively, completely misreading the movement and it pings back his off stump 49/3 45.5 to Flintoff, again this swings into Flintoff, at good pace, who goes for a booming straight drive but is rapped on the pad. He's hit quite high up on his pad but it's good enough for Rudi who raises his finger 108/6
	SK Warne	19	3	46	2	2.42

Kiwis

I hate the kiwis. Hate 'em.
Boring, sanctimonious, humourless.
I might even dislike them more than the aussies.
Dunno.

Mohammed Asif

I was extremely pleased to note that Mohammed Asif - the Pakistani Glen McGrath - is back after serving time for being caught in an airport in the middle east with some hash on him (school boy error if there ever was one).

This is good news for world cricket. He is a proper fast bowler - not like the rest of the jokers in fast bowling around the world who claim to be 'world class'.

world beater/world class

This is fairly obvious but worth setting out. Over lunch, I set up the statsguru on cricinfo to list all the tests which have been played since 1999 to work out the number of players for each country which have been (i) world beaters and (ii) world class. The former being people like lara, the latter being people like Hayden. For each country here goes:

SA - (i) Donald, Kallis, Pollock
(ii) Smith, Ntini

Ind - (i) Dravid, Tenduklar
(ii) Dhoni, Sewag, Ganguly, Laxman, Harbajan, kumble

SL - (i) Jayasuriya, Muralitharan
(ii) sangakara, Jayawardene

NZ - (i)
(ii) Fleming, Vettori, Cairns

Zim - (i) Andy Flower
(ii) streak

WI - (i) Ambrose, Lara, Walsh
(ii) Chanderpaul, Gayle

Pak - (i) Akram, Waqar
(ii) Mushtaq, Inzamam, Mohammed Yusuf, Saeed Anwar, Younis Kahn

Aus - (i) Ponting, S Waugh, Gilchrist, Warne, McGrath
(ii) Hayden, Langer, M Waugh, Martyn, Lee, Gillespie, McGill, Clarke, Hussey

England, however, is impossible to judge given our nationality....

Who do we think?

I'd suggest

(i) nobody
(ii) Flintoff, Stewart, Gough, Atherton, Caddick, Trescothick, Hoggard, Vaughan, Thorpe, Pietersen, Hussein.

This might explain why we kept losing the ashes but we were pretty good against all other teams.

God, this analysis is painfully obvious isn't it. I'll post it anyway to see if it can induce some comments. Ben, you are free to apply the 'cuntometer' to the list if you so choose.

a day ahead

so, i'm here before you all. what to write about? hmmm.

i think i'll discuss SA and their cunt ratings.

so, here goes

Smith - surprising, not so much of one;
Gibbs - massive one;
Kallis - looks like rollinson;
de Villiers - not sure?
Duminy - ok - has an earring that makes him look like a bit of a dick;
Boucher - crys a lot;
Morkel - shit;
Botha - no idea;
Merwe - no idea either;
Parnell - seems ok.

in conclusion, this was a little disappointing for me. i would like to think they're all wankers, but they're ok - except gibbs. who may be enough of a cunt to cancel out the ok-ish-ness of the rest.

the real problem lies with the sa fan, who appears to have taken on the 'australian' mantel for being a) supporter of the best team in the world; 2) telling everyone that sa are the best in the world, and that the sooner the rest of us stop playing cricket and therefore acknowledge the rightful place of sa as the best in the world the better; and 3) accusing everyone else of cheating because sa loose.

which brings me onto strauss:

1) is a soothsayer;
2) therefore knows when to call a player back or allow a runner, because he know exactly when the WILL be out;
3) therefore laughs in the face of 'the spirit of the game';
4) and therefore, is a bad captain.

At least, that's what one sa blogger implied. cunts, you see. as if:

1) smith would have done any different;
2) that strauss needs to be consulted for every decision the umpires make;
3) is going against 'the spirit' by not letting a fat smith have someone else do the hard work for him;
4) has just won the ashes;
5) is batting rather well.

mendis

(I think it was chappell) yesterday referred to Mendis as being a 'folded finger spinner' - which is a fantastic obscure term to be added to the lexicon.

Also, have you noticed that mendis bowling looks a bit like one of those accurate girl bowlers who wobble it around at about 60mph? That he can only move it up, down, left, right a few centimeters while bowling on a good length at the stumps seems to be good enough to take apart most batsmen however. It is hardly warne or murali spin, but it is very effective AND extremely annoying to get out to (like being bowled by a girl).

Shah, Owais

The whole England team, especially the batsmen seem to be scaling levels of one-day averageness achieved by few before. My ire is chiefly reserved, however, for Owais Shah. He is, no doubt, a talented batsman, but he radiates such chaos, uncertainty, not to say actual insanity, that it makes the entire team look shit and mental. His fielding and levels of effort are FUCKING ATROCIOUS. He has a bizarre ability to appear to be incredibly tense, and looking like he doesn't give a fuck at the same time.

It's been said before, but it bears repeating, that the word 'liability' could have been invented for him.

Paradigm Shift.

Tax deductible, innit - it's a creative aid, man.

Snoop has jumped the shark.

Wax on, wax off.

A Seismic shift in the pre-ordained order of things.

"It didn't come down to individuals, it came down to at the right time England won the critical moments and we lost them. Everything indicates we dominated the Test series. We lost the Test series through probably five hours of cricket." This is a quote from Aussie selector Brett Twat (or something).
This is good news because it means that:
a) England are now not a bunch of gibbers, and are mentally quite tough when it matters, but more importantly that,
b) Australia are now a bunch of gibbers, and are mentally not tough enough when it matters.
Hurrah.

Harmison

Unless someone starts writing on our blog, I'm going to decamp to King Cricket. We've just won the ashes for flip's sake!

Anyway, did anyone see Harmison's rant after the Ashes victory? I thought it was extremely impressive (and he did bowl very well).

Another high point was Broad chucking the replica urn at Cook.

ashes 2009

Ahhh...very satisfying

Jack Penate's grandfather is mervyn peake

Stuart Broad

Or 'Malfoy on Stilts' - good work CMJ

Wii Cricket

Any good jarms? Are the pressures of test cricket as you expected?

Ian Bell

Whilst for some the jury remains out on Australia's cuntness, the fact that ian bell is a massive twat is like an immutable law of nature and will remain so for all time. When the mountains have crumbled and lizards rule the earth once more, he will still be a little nonsense spouting ginger twat.
My lack of opinion either way about ian bell has ended, by the way.

Errr....

I don't know quite how to say this Ben, but apart from Punter, they're just not that cunty. I would even go so far as to say I quite like one or two of them. I'm not going to say which ones. I've even changed the font to hide my shame. Sorry.

New Bat

Do think if i got hold of this bat: the Puma Iridium 6000 GTR Cricket Bat, Price: £319.99, i would be any good at cricket?

i expect joseph to be walking out with this next time - its the least you could do jarms, since you will be expecting, i've no doubt, his england wage to support you in your old age.

fuck III

Bryant is clearly a twat. there is a lot in his latest that proves this.

'Much as England fans had a sneaking admiration and affection for Shane Warne.' by Nick Bryant, clearly a cunt, and by the looks of his photo, a punchable one at that.

Did we? I thought he was a cunt. And I wager most England fans felt the same. And I wasn't at all sneaky about, quite vocal actually.

Fuck II

Sutherland said he had no problems with the behaviour of Ponting or his team. "I was extremely proud of how Ricky and all the players handled some tense situations," he said. "I thought he behaved in an entirely appropriate way." (my emphasis).

Says it all really.

fuck

2. Bopara
3. Bell
4. Collingwood

Discuss.

ECB chief exec in massive fat noggin shock!

Goodbye, my lovely family!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/gamesblog/2009/jul/21/ashes-cricket-2009

My dream of spending my whole summer playing test matches in real time is finally here.

Warne's ball to Bell

If you look back in the 'fetch' archive, you'll find ian bell being plumb LBW to a Warne shooter in the 2005 Ashes. Warne admitted on Sunday on TV that is was actually a leg spinner which for some reason didn't turn. So, he did pick him...sort of...

PS just checked and it has disappeared from utube, but you know the one I mean I'm sure.

Also, Warne reckons that his favorite sledge ever was 'shermanator'. Actually, does anybody want to slag warne's commentary off. I find it difficult, as it is still a couple of levels above 'England should try harder' Botham.

Why hasn't freddie turned green?

---

Edit - the picture Jarms attempted to post in his comment below...

You're right Kris, but which one?

Maybe Mac, or perhaps Willy.