I used to think Richard Thomas Ponting resembled Clyde (or, at a push, Zippy).

After his adolescent contretemps with Aleem Dar (best umpire in the world, TM), I've decided he's actually Softy, after all.

best world cup in india ground is...

the Wankhede Stadium in Mumbai.

tell you what else is funny:

beer.

i don't even know if he is a cunt. and i doubt anyone could help me out. i suspect strongly that he is though.

Langer

Langer on Hughes:

“I will back him over any other player in Australian cricket,” Justin Langer, the Australia batting coach said. "I hope England keep taunting him."

"When the pressure is on and he absolutely has to score runs, he does. He is a little fighter."

Say this in a comedy Cheryl Cole accent, and it becomes very funny.

that was good.

i was wondering whether the fact that we've destroyed them today, with pretty good bowlers, suggests that when they used to do this to us with very good bowlers makes our 90s-early-00s side a bit better than it appeared?

i remember when one of the cunts said butcher's 200-odd (did i imagine that? i think it was actually a 100) was one of the best in ashes history. we already know that the nas's was.

diary

I wondered whether we ought to prove out commitment to the game by diarising our

spot the aussi supporter

botham is not on my christmas card list.

but, i have to say he was quite funny today playing 'spot the aussi supporter'.

truth was that there were very few at the ground - i know its the last day and all, but still: are they really that fair weather?

i'm not even going to bother to call them cunts - they must know that this is shameful, and each must know they are cunts.

Not/What

Jimmy/Mrs. Cricket

free cricket

google free cricket - lots of people stream their tv live: i was a little disconcerted when the guy, who's tv i was watching - virtually - switched to some Islamism fundamentalist site. luckily, his mate (i presume) acted fast, saying: 'i was fucking watching that!'. and cricket was resumed.

i'm watching vipstand at the moment.

best wishes to hafiz.

atherton and holding have basically accused the australain nation of cheating. when gatting's lot won over there apparently they did not get a single lbw go their way. when the international panel was appointed, holding emailed chapple, writing: 'now the west indies won't have to be twice as good as aus to win down under'.

in light of this: the cunt award goes out to all australians involved in cricket. fucking cheating cunts.

BATTLE FEVER

Bring It ON, fuckers! Or, at the very least, drop it at the servants entrance and my man will bring it on later.

Don't know about you bunch but, suddenly, I'm beginning to get a bit giddy.

Despite the fact that I don't have Sky. Despite the fact that I'll only see edited highlights a full 15 hours after I've read about them. Despite the fact that I'll be at work throughout. Despite the fact that Hafiz is recovering from serious heart surgery (yes, sorry about that - couldn't think of a more appropriate way to broach that subject). Despite all these things and, probably, more...

I have got the BATTLE FEVER.

sprinkler dance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnvevEUzWvs

If we park the question of whether this is quite funny or fucking embarrasing, I think that Bresnan wins for effort, but lacks style.

Ashes: Kevin Pietersen ready for Xavier Doherty test

this is the headline from bbc.

apparently, xavier (what sort of funking name is that?) will ask kp three questions - the 'test - after which, he will grant him one wish.

the questions:

1) does kp think that if watson grew a mustache he wouldn't be quite so punchable?
2) how can one make the ball spin? apparently warne won't tell anyone in cricket australia how he did it.
3) what's your favorite lunchtime sandwich: egg & cress or Boerewors?

if kp passes this test, he apparently going to wish to have his form back.

(i encourage fellows of 'Fetch!' to offer their own answers.)

phil hughes - likeable but rubbish...

Quality technique from Phil Hughes. Pick him please....

According to Scyld Berry, Callum Ferguson has no technique either

hello

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kY6fRWTPJCw&feature=youtu.be

Australia A

I like the Aussie old guard implying that the new guard are a bunch of losers, and intimating that this is part of a wider decline of Australian culture. Let's hope they're right.

Anyway, they've been banging on about Ferguson - bowled fatty bresnan; kawaja - bowled the irrepressible Shazad (actually, he must be very annoying in the dressing room). So, they'll have to go with Hussey and North.

Are they England c.1996 in disguise?

back

Given the ashes are coming up, we do need spit some bile.

I went with Kurt to 'Fellini's Satyricon vs Sun Arun' in the Arnolfini last night. This involved an edited version of an extraordinary and confusing Fellini film set in Ancient Rome with some LA psychedelic 'noise merchants' standing in front providing an extremely loud musical soundtrack. It was extremely odd and quite good in a way - apparently this is what Kurtos is into these days.

My overriding memory of the event, however, was that the main actor in the film looked very much like a young Bob Willis.

Any of you fuckers still there?

Sledging

Everyone love's a good sledge. I hadn't heard this one before.
Rod Marsh to the incoming Beefy- "How's your wife and my kids?"
Beefy- "The wife's fine, the kids are retarded."

Also I'm reading 'How Freddie became Jesus', which is really, really funny.

Sledge

Dr Boycott

Seeing as we are now playing proper test cricket, we can resume our conversations and musings on the subject after a relatively (steve finn style) lengthy lay-off.

On TMS lunch, Boycott was telling a panel that he had got an honorary doctorate from Leeds Met. What did you get it in asked MPV: 'batting, of course' was the reply.

I wish I had a doctorate in batting.

test match bowling

i honestly do not know what our bowling attack will look like at the end of the year. i would appreciate answers (we can deal with the batting next month).

If we play 5 bowlers, I rather like the look of:

Swann (ace)
Broad (not a jibber)
Shahzad (surprisingly quick, and nice bit of reverse this week)
Finn (he falls over)
Anderson (cloudy = quick, sunny = slow)

Taking along:

Sidebottom (old)
Bresnan (average)
Onions (injured)
the other spinner...?

who else? despite having 4 dedicated cricket channels, i don't have a clue whats going on in county cricket (i am very clued up on indian domestic) - what about Hussein(?) currently playing a blinder for glos?

I'm not sure we could play 5: - prior at 7 = strong, prior at 6 = weak.

but then it is australia with far better wickets. moreover, take one out of the list above (shahzad?), and the line up looks average and a potential disaster if the sun is shining (as it will).

phil neville.

Phil [Neville] was captain of the England under-15 side at football and cricket. He was brilliant. I know it's a big statement, but he was better than Flintoff at the time.

High praise for the Everton footballer from Steve Kirby

swann

Swann apparently bowled "one which went the other way" on purpose. Are there no limits to the talent of this man?

Unrelated

Was actually quite sad to hear about the suicide of Sparklehorse's Mark Linkous. The three albums I've got of his are really good.
But man what a way to go. To find a dark alley and shoot yourself in the heart! Fucking hell.
A cry for help this was not.

pakistan have dropped yusuf and younis for ever

I don't need to say anymore surely...

is kemar roach fast

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d83O7VbZnkk

buffet bowling

Did you see that Cook when for 111 off 5 overs against Bangladesh A today attempting to induce the follow-on?

buffet bowling

Did you see that Cook when for 111 off 5 overs against Bangladesh A today attempting to induce the follow-on?

Winter olymics latest...

back to cricket

although dwarkin's comments were spot on. i actually find his anti-god rants just as fanatical as any religious nut.

but, back to what's important.

scidmark's 7-51 was quite awesome.

and if sa (world no 2) beat india (world no 1), does that mean that we're actually good by way of the drawn series?

Unrelated

I just saw this quote from Richard Dawkins about Catholic child abuse-
"Horrible as sexual abuse no doubt was, the damage was arguably less than the long-term psychological damage inflicted by bringing the child up Catholic in the first place."
Ho ho, nice one.

smuggness

Mohammad Imran Tahir, Born March 27, 1979, Lahore, Punjab.

(Does this mean that we're going to have to give pieterson and trott back?)

australians

i've just returned from down under, and i have to say that when it comes to cricket, they are a bunch of delusional wankers.

its actually impossible to have a rational discussion with then about the topic. For example:

1) Aus are still the best team in the world.
2) Hadden is the best keeper/bat in world cricket.
3) Johnson's batting is reminiscent of gillchrist.
4) They should have won the last ashes.
etc.

dispute anyone of these 'facts' and expect a diatribe of cuntishness, normally concluding that england are worse than the wi.

the reason for this, they will tell you, is that 1) we lost to wi, therefore we are not as good as them and; 2) they beat india in india, therefore they are better than them. (the fact that we beat them, in this impeccable logic, is lost on them).

Today

A few things about today:

1. Steyn v Collingwood was ace. 'Brigadier Block' used to be a fast scoring one-day specialist after all. Steyn is a worthy replacement for Donald: I wonder whether he shares Alan's love of hip-hop?

2. Apparently Jimmy Anderson has a very good line in left-arm spin.

3. If anyone says that we were lucky, our lower order have clearly worked unbelievably hard on their batting and are very competent tail-enders. They are not 'blowawayable'. Having Swann at 9 helps though.

4. I wondered whether Cook's slogging against Harris was an attempt to get him out of the attack, thus forcing SA to rely upon their 4 seamers for 5 sessions and thus make the draw easier to achieve. Smith didn't bowl him much today did he?

5. Bell has now top scored in the first innings of the last ashes test, set up the victory in the second test in SA and batted for his life today. Has he turned the corner....probably not...

off topic

sorry if you've already told me about this one, but check out the song 'the fade', by megafaun.
it's really good.