world beater/world class

This is fairly obvious but worth setting out. Over lunch, I set up the statsguru on cricinfo to list all the tests which have been played since 1999 to work out the number of players for each country which have been (i) world beaters and (ii) world class. The former being people like lara, the latter being people like Hayden. For each country here goes:

SA - (i) Donald, Kallis, Pollock
(ii) Smith, Ntini

Ind - (i) Dravid, Tenduklar
(ii) Dhoni, Sewag, Ganguly, Laxman, Harbajan, kumble

SL - (i) Jayasuriya, Muralitharan
(ii) sangakara, Jayawardene

NZ - (i)
(ii) Fleming, Vettori, Cairns

Zim - (i) Andy Flower
(ii) streak

WI - (i) Ambrose, Lara, Walsh
(ii) Chanderpaul, Gayle

Pak - (i) Akram, Waqar
(ii) Mushtaq, Inzamam, Mohammed Yusuf, Saeed Anwar, Younis Kahn

Aus - (i) Ponting, S Waugh, Gilchrist, Warne, McGrath
(ii) Hayden, Langer, M Waugh, Martyn, Lee, Gillespie, McGill, Clarke, Hussey

England, however, is impossible to judge given our nationality....

Who do we think?

I'd suggest

(i) nobody
(ii) Flintoff, Stewart, Gough, Atherton, Caddick, Trescothick, Hoggard, Vaughan, Thorpe, Pietersen, Hussein.

This might explain why we kept losing the ashes but we were pretty good against all other teams.

God, this analysis is painfully obvious isn't it. I'll post it anyway to see if it can induce some comments. Ben, you are free to apply the 'cuntometer' to the list if you so choose.

a day ahead

so, i'm here before you all. what to write about? hmmm.

i think i'll discuss SA and their cunt ratings.

so, here goes

Smith - surprising, not so much of one;
Gibbs - massive one;
Kallis - looks like rollinson;
de Villiers - not sure?
Duminy - ok - has an earring that makes him look like a bit of a dick;
Boucher - crys a lot;
Morkel - shit;
Botha - no idea;
Merwe - no idea either;
Parnell - seems ok.

in conclusion, this was a little disappointing for me. i would like to think they're all wankers, but they're ok - except gibbs. who may be enough of a cunt to cancel out the ok-ish-ness of the rest.

the real problem lies with the sa fan, who appears to have taken on the 'australian' mantel for being a) supporter of the best team in the world; 2) telling everyone that sa are the best in the world, and that the sooner the rest of us stop playing cricket and therefore acknowledge the rightful place of sa as the best in the world the better; and 3) accusing everyone else of cheating because sa loose.

which brings me onto strauss:

1) is a soothsayer;
2) therefore knows when to call a player back or allow a runner, because he know exactly when the WILL be out;
3) therefore laughs in the face of 'the spirit of the game';
4) and therefore, is a bad captain.

At least, that's what one sa blogger implied. cunts, you see. as if:

1) smith would have done any different;
2) that strauss needs to be consulted for every decision the umpires make;
3) is going against 'the spirit' by not letting a fat smith have someone else do the hard work for him;
4) has just won the ashes;
5) is batting rather well.

mendis

(I think it was chappell) yesterday referred to Mendis as being a 'folded finger spinner' - which is a fantastic obscure term to be added to the lexicon.

Also, have you noticed that mendis bowling looks a bit like one of those accurate girl bowlers who wobble it around at about 60mph? That he can only move it up, down, left, right a few centimeters while bowling on a good length at the stumps seems to be good enough to take apart most batsmen however. It is hardly warne or murali spin, but it is very effective AND extremely annoying to get out to (like being bowled by a girl).

Shah, Owais

The whole England team, especially the batsmen seem to be scaling levels of one-day averageness achieved by few before. My ire is chiefly reserved, however, for Owais Shah. He is, no doubt, a talented batsman, but he radiates such chaos, uncertainty, not to say actual insanity, that it makes the entire team look shit and mental. His fielding and levels of effort are FUCKING ATROCIOUS. He has a bizarre ability to appear to be incredibly tense, and looking like he doesn't give a fuck at the same time.

It's been said before, but it bears repeating, that the word 'liability' could have been invented for him.

Paradigm Shift.

Tax deductible, innit - it's a creative aid, man.

Snoop has jumped the shark.

Wax on, wax off.

A Seismic shift in the pre-ordained order of things.

"It didn't come down to individuals, it came down to at the right time England won the critical moments and we lost them. Everything indicates we dominated the Test series. We lost the Test series through probably five hours of cricket." This is a quote from Aussie selector Brett Twat (or something).
This is good news because it means that:
a) England are now not a bunch of gibbers, and are mentally quite tough when it matters, but more importantly that,
b) Australia are now a bunch of gibbers, and are mentally not tough enough when it matters.
Hurrah.